Possibly triggering for those dealing with infertility or child loss

[charlottezweb]

The usual conversation goes like this:
A friend or stranger sees Royce and says "So, are y'all planning on having more kids?" or "When are you having another one?" or "So if he's 3 this summer, then you'll need to have another one soon so they're not too far apart!"

We say something like "Well, we'll see." "Sure, if it happens." "Yep, we've thought about that." We try to sound nonchalant as if we don't have anything invested either way.

Sometimes they say something like "Well, y'all should get to it!" "Tell your husband to get on board--he won't mind." Anything that implies that we should be having sex and more of it so we can get another baby out.

The truth, which not very many people know, is that because my last pregnancy caused my thyroid to become hyper, I may not be able to get pregnant and if I do get pregnant, it'll be hard for me to hold onto the baby. It's most likely going to take medical intervention for this to happen so we'll be going to the doctor to have things checked out when our new insurance kicks in in a few months. Hopefully, something like Clomid will be enough because we don't have the money, even with insurance, for anything more. So if we find out it would take IVF, we're out of luck.

And we don't tell people that because it's more than we want to tell them and it's more than they want to know. And because if we act like we don't care either way, then maybe we really won't care. And it's hard for many of our friends to understand because they're trying as hard as possible to keep from getting pregnant. But I think we may have to start being more open since I had to walk off from those questions a week or two ago because I was tearing up, and then A yelled at a friend who wouldn't leave him alone about it.

Here's the rest of the truth--We want a baby. Badly. Another child, another son or a daughter. We've had names for the second and third kids picked out since we were pregnant with the first. It may not happen but I'm not going to be afraid to tell other people or myself the truth anymore, even if it is more painful.

Comments

[genomekelly.livejournal.com]

*hug*

I understand your situation more acutely than you could possibly know.

[dr-brat.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

It drives me right up a tree that people think that this is their business, when really it's a completely private issue. I mean, I haven't actually wanted kids in a very long time, but it still made me nuts when people would press me about it. I can't imagine what it must be like to want them, be having trouble with it, and have people pressing you.

I'm glad that you have Royce and I'll keep good thoughts for your success in having another child.

[bethzebra.livejournal.com]

Just as a point of hope, a friend of mine recently had a baby after having pregnancy-induced thyroid problems after her first pregnancy (first pregnancy ended badly, but not because of the thyroid as far as anyone knows, that came later). She was watched pretty closely by her doctors but she and the baby are both fine and not much medical intervention wound up being necessary aside from extra monitoring. Situations obviously vary, but I thought this was at least a positive anecdote.

I try to be pretty circumspect when asking people about their plans for children because of situations like yours. You never know what story is behind a couple's lack of children or only child. I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you!

[lorres.livejournal.com]

Egh!

I only wish I could protect you from difficult moments brought about by those who can't seem to mind their own business. I'm always astonished how blithely people say things about other people's family plans and intentions.

But it's so culturally ingrained that I probably have said the same sorts of things myself without even realizing! If I ever did that to you [or anyone else reading this] I'm profoundly apologetic.

And may all your wishes for a happy family come true!

[berkeleyfarm.livejournal.com]

((hugs)) I'm so sorry you're going through this.

And I agree with Brat, it drives me bugs that people think it's any of their damn business.

Best wishes for Good News when you get the new insurance!

[cobrawoman.livejournal.com]

I had no clue; sorry to hear. And remember that you can always just refer to unspecific "medical issues". You can say as much or as little as you want. Meantime, good luck!

[la-penguinita.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

You have the right attitude. It's not something that needs to be hidden, but it really is NONE of their friggin' business!!

The only comeback I can think of for 'when are you gonna have more kids' is to put a very evil look on your face and tell 'em that y'all are working on it Every Chance You Get...then waggle your eyebrows. While these morons don't have a qualm about sticking their nose into your reproductive life, they'll be embarassed if you connect it with your sex life.

Hopefully the new insurance can provide some good answers for ya.

[velochicdunord.livejournal.com]

Seconded. Take every chance to be Evil(TM). It helps lighten an otherwise heart-rending situation.

BTDT (wanting babies thingy), sooooo........ understand............

[charlottezweb.livejournal.com]

Heh. I did that once to a very nice, well meaning older friend of the family. She would not leave me alone and when I demurred she brought other people into the conversation, saying that I'd hesitated answering so I must need encouragement to want more. I told her that I'd been having sex with my husband as much as possible but for some reason I just wasn't getting pregnant, and did she need to hear the details? I felt a little bad because she was embarrassed but on the other hand...

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

i think it ought to be allowed to hit people who say things like that. really.

*hug*

[1ginko.livejournal.com]

I try not to promote violence, but in this case, I can see doing just that.

When other people invade personal issues like this, it frosts me. If they knew how hurtful comments like that can be, perhaps they wouldn't be so thoughtless.

I found people didn't start to leave me alone until I was able to verbalize that I did want a child, and that life wasn't cooperating. Even then, it was hard to say. Then there are the clueless that respond with adoption, as if it were as easy as picking a box of cereal off the store shelf.

Memory rush...okay, I'm ready to come knock some sense in the people around you. I'll be right over.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

i have bought breakfast cereal. many times.

am still working on the adoption. feh.

[elissaann.livejournal.com]

I can't remember which advice columnist suggested the following answer to too-personal questions:

"Why do you ask?"

I send you good wishes for everything to go well once the new insurance kicks in.

[prairierabbit.livejournal.com]

***HUGS!*** I'm sorry you are hurting and others are asking intrusive questions that cause more pain. I'm thinking good thoughts for you. May your dreams come true!

There was a time when I wanted children, but within a relationship. (Now I enjoy borrowing them, upon occasion.) You'd be surprised how many people went to great lengths to persuade me to "just get pregnant." Ummm, not for me, thanks. The technique I finally began using was to just say "Excuse me" and walk away when questions got too personal. *sigh* People!

[betonica.livejournal.com]

It really does suck when people ask about your future baby plans - *What* a personal question, regardless of where you're at with it.

Mostly people have stopped asking me (thank God) probably because I'm getting old enough so I don't look like I'm in the baby-making generation, and also because I've been single for so long. But I did recently have an enthusiastic 20-something brightly try to tell me it wasn't too late for me and I should still consider it. (Ahem. I've been menopausal for 6 years, and wasn't fertile even before that. But I didn't tell her that, I just evaded the point). Someone my age and with children recently said, "It's a good thing you never had kids" as a context-relevant joke - I glared at him, and was tempted to give him a really nasty little lecture.

I wish they'd all just shut the %^&* up.
There. You were right! It was a triggering post!
I wish you luck with all the insensitive bores out there. *Hugs*.

[crystlyte.livejournal.com]

Oh honey...sorry to hear about that crap. Don't have any smart and sassy ways to deal, just some *hugs*.