Warning: Massive Amounts of Self Pity Enclosed

[charlottezweb]

I've been trying to compose a non self-pitying post about friendship but it's just not working. I'm just too emotional about the whole thing to think rationally. Maybe it's pregnancy hormones? I don't know. It's not even that big a deal.

One of my friends (former?) is getting married this fall and she had a bachelorette weekend that I didn't even know about until I saw the pics. She was in my wedding as were most of the people there.

I'm taking the whole thing really hard. I know I don't do the things that they like to do--the beach and bars--but I think I'm still a fun person, nice and ok to be around? I don't know. Some crap happening this next weekend isn't helping either--more friend issues that I don't feel like dealing with.

I can't afford to go see my ax murderer internet friends (whom I miss terribly) and making/keeping friends in my home town is going very badly. Someone offered to throw me a baby shower but I think I'm going to have to turn them down--I can't think of a decent guest list. I know that sounds stupid but I'm bizarrely upset about it.

I guess I just thought that I had good enough friends that they would still want to spend time with me even after my activities had to be curtailed because of the baby, etc. Or at least come over to my house for dinner and to drink/watch movies/whatever. And it's true that a couple of people will, but in general...

Comments

[elissaann.livejournal.com]

I wish that you could come hang out with the ax murderers, too.

Other friends with the Mommy Gig have talked about the difficulty of keeping friendships going. One of my friends used to say, "Please drop by any time. We're always here." He sounded kind of desperate.

I don't think it's stupid that you're upset about it. It's important.

[charlottezweb.livejournal.com]

I think that's one of the parts I'm having trouble with---the issue I always heard about was coupled friends dropping single friends which we were very careful not to do--I never really thought about the difference between childed and child free friends. It's a big adjustment.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

i could come by there, stuff a pillow in my pants, and go beat them up. they'd all think it was you and be in fear of your mad powers to kick ass even while pregnant.

i think you should have the baby shower. i had three family members and two friends at my wedding shower, and i had a good time and i was glad i'd let the friend who asked throw it.

you may have already figured this part out; if so, forgive me. but it sounds like you may be having a problem with stage of life mismatch with your friends. you have a kid and a half and have to take that into account. they, uh, don't, and are doing the sort of irresponsible things that you can do when no one is depending on you. can you check out the parents of the kid's friends? you know they're in a similar stage of life to you, and maybe a few of them are cool enough to hang out with.

[charlottezweb.livejournal.com]

That would be awesome! You beat them up, I'll egg you on. :) They would so think I had yet another sister no one knew about.

Y'all are talking me into the shower--my last one was just so uncomfortable for different reasons that I had some perhaps unrealistic hopes of this one. But really, you're right, a couple of good friends would be really nice. :)

And, yes, you're right--we are at different stages, it's not so much having kids or not, it's, well, doing adult type things or not, as snotty as that may sound. Most of our friends are still working cake jobs, spending their paychecks at the bar, drinking every night, and having a fairly awesome time. Doing the same things I did with them at 25.

I have made a friend from one of Royce's friend's parents and I really like her. I need to try to get out more and make more playdates for him, so I can meet more people. I just miss the friends I've had for the last almost 15 yrs. *sigh*

[lorres.livejournal.com]

Oh sweetie....this is terrible. A very hard hit to take. You're wonderful to be around!

I wish I could hug you several times.

I'd suggest that you hold off on turning down the shower until you feel better - tell them you need some time to sort yourself out or whatever will work.

Maybe later you'll think of a small bunch of cool people who will help you feel cheery and will throw a great shower.

I'm glad you wrote about it instead of thinking it was too close to the bone to post.

And I hope you feel better soon!

[charlottezweb.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the hugs and the reassurance--I really needed them.

There is a lot of time before I have to decide abt a shower--the woman who wants to hostess has been pressuring me to give her a list cause she's really excited but I guess I need to be firmer about it and just tell her I need to wait a while.

You're right, I almost didn't post, but I'm so glad I did. Such an outpouring of love was exactly what I needed--I feel much better and more rational about everything else.

[snippy]

Well...you could have an Internet shower. No, really! I suppose we could even all get on some chat program and make it real-time. Post pictures of balloons and flowers and ourselves, play silly shower games, etc. right here in your LJ. Send real presents ahead of time, of course.

[ex-serenejo.livejournal.com]

That sounds like fun. Count me in! :-)

[charlottezweb.livejournal.com]

That is an absolutely adorable idea. I'm not sure about the logistics but it sounds awesome. :)

[lcohen]

is the friendship worth putting the effort in to tell the person how you feel?

as a non-parent who has many friends who are parents, i appreciate that it takes effort in both directions--your friends might not be experienced at bridging that gap but you are worth it. are they?

*hugs*

[charlottezweb.livejournal.com]

One of them is, the others...not so sure. It's not so much that we're really close, it's just, well, like high school or something--where there's a group of people who live/work/play together and see each other all the time. I've been friends for almost 15 years with some of them, and it's worth fighting for those friendships--some of the others...I just need to stop worrying about and make other friends out of like not convenience.

[velochicdunord.livejournal.com]

It's difficult at times. I have parental friends in T-dot who I don't see nearly enough - no particular reason (I'd like to!) other than making time in mutual schedules. I like the kids. I enjoy my time with them. And at some point in the future, when they are mobile, I will be chief bicycle sheepherder.

If it helps at all, if all goes according to plan, I should be a long stones throw closer in B'ham by January.

[charlottezweb.livejournal.com]

Ah, but the difference is that you're not afraid to go over to their house, because it's just not "fun" anymore. *sarcasm mine* Different schedules I could take, it's the lack of desire to modify any part of their lives for even an evening that I have trouble with. Which sortof makes it more my problem than theirs I guess.

And, yay!, for Birmingham! We can boink!!! We should totally have something! yay, more S-eastern people!

[velochicdunord.livejournal.com]

Yes!

And the kids will be welcome, because: 1) I like kids;
2) I really need a reason to accumulate lego again and it's a very good reason to declutter and pet/kid proof!

[dr-brat.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry this is happening.

When I first got married, a new colleague said "I was sorry to hear that you just got married. I had hoped we could be friends."

More recently, an acquaintance had tickets to U2 and no one to go with. When I asked why she hadn't called me (we'd been out to dinner a few times), she said "well, you're married, and I only had one extra ticket." Heh. As if DWH would have gone anyway.

People make assumptions about what we want when our status is different from theirs and it's not malice, it's stupidity. If you haven't already talked to your friend about how this hurt you, you might want to do so. She probably just wasn't even thinking.

[charlottezweb.livejournal.com]

OOOWWWW! head--->desk! U2! Ack! She. I. *speechless*

Yes, that's true. I just made an assumption about a dear friend that turned out to be completely wrong and I'm so glad we talked about it. I do think what's been happening is just an assumption that I won't be able to go, and it's happened so much, they probably don't see the point of inviting me places, but then I invite them and they don't come, and it's a vicious cycle. *sigh* Alcohol is really such a huge part of the issue. And I can't do much about that other than work on my own expectations and ways to make myself happier.

[mama2mason.livejournal.com]

lurking (hope you dont mind..) I just wanted to say I know how it feels as I am the first of all of my friends to get married, and have kids. It's TOUGH, on both ends. I think my best friend was upset and almost felt betrayed when I got pregnant, I was hurt by her reaction but I've just tried to see things from her prospective. Luckily she overcame being hurt and is supportive. But I'll admit, things aren't the exact same -- but I realize they can't be, we are just in two totally different places in our lives. I think you should let them know how you feel, because if your upset then most likely the friendships are worth something to you. I hope you feel better!

[prairierabbit.livejournal.com]

***HUGS!!!!*** We really need that damn teleporter!

I agree with Dr. Brat that a lot of this is stupidity on their part, not malice. Rather than say "we're going to go here and do this for the party, would you be interested in participating in some or all of the evening," they just assume you wouldn't want to go. Idiots! To miss out on time with you!

When most of my local friends got married and some started to have kids, I began to experience the other side of that--finding out about social gatherings that included only "couple friends", not being included in kid-friendly activities because "well, you don't have kids", being excluded from serving as a bridesmaid because I wasn't dating anyone and they didn't want an odd number of people at the attendants' table since all the other attendants were in couples, etc. It sucked. It still does, at times. But if it hadn't, I might not have met all the internet ax murderers, or taken up dancing, so there can be an upside down the road. But it does suck. ***HUGS!!!***

P.S. What about an on-line shower? Not the same, but it might be fun...

[charlottezweb.livejournal.com]

OMG! That attitude boggles me! But I was warned about that--I mean, we knew that was something that some coupled people did, so I thought if we were careful not to do that, we'd be ok, but I wasn't expecting it from the other side. And we do have friends who are happy to tag along to the children's museum sometimes or for us to bring the kid out to the beach, it's true. And we should be more proactive in planning day time activities--we've taken folks crabbing and such successfully before, it's mostly the night time things that are harder.

Our friends just aren't in a place where they want to spend an evening in a house with a kid playing jenga or watching a movie--we've had some of the harder core drinkers come over for dinner and leave before the food was ready to go out. But not everyone is like that. And I need to be clearer about my want to go out and my want to feel included--I'm thinking no one even realizes.

I'm sorry you've had those very sucky experiences--but am very glad you became an ax murderer. :)

An online shower is a very interesting idea...I thought for a minute abt having a boink later this year even...

[prairierabbit.livejournal.com]

A boink would be cool, but I know that you are starting a new degree program (in addition to your other work in progress *grin*. Perhaps see how much energy you have once you start classes? The on-line shower should be viable though, and not too demanding of your time/energy. **hugs**

[charlottezweb.livejournal.com]

Hmm, that is, um, actually a very good point. I sortof may have forgotten abt some of that. :)

[crystlyte.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's so crappy! Fierce *hugs* to you.

No doubt about it, you have to educate the others and damned if that doesn't feel like you're being pushy, which I hate to do and believe you do too. But do it for those that you think are worth it.

One of my best "real people" (as my sib would say) friends was a challenge in the beginning, since I had high maintenance kids (they were into sports and other after school stuff) and a impossibly jealous husband and she was married but no kids and very interested in going places and doing things. We persisted and it was (and is) well worth the effort.

Pick your challenges as to what would be worth the effort. I'm so sorry you're so far away. Online cavorting may not be the best solution, but you knows we loves you and would love to celebrate with you!

[charlottezweb.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the hugs and the love!!!! I needed them!

You're right though--as I've been reading all the welcomed responses, I've realized that the people in question probably have no idea that I'm upset or why. I need to talk to at least one of them and be clear about my wants--I can't always go out, but I'd love to know when things are happening so I can try to go for at least part of the time, etc.

I wish I were closer (a couple of years, maybe) but thank goodness for the internets!

[(Anonymous)]

Every single mom I know well enough to talk about this with has the exact same problem. It's like kids are contagious! (I mean, more than they are. Oh! You know what I mean.)

I'd say more, but it makes me too sad. *hugs* Hang in there. It does get better -- now that mine is older, I'm starting to get my friends back. I think. Maybe. (CG called for a movie date, for instance! [This is after me arranging 3 prior movie dates with him and DA. Ye gods and little fishes.])

[porcinea.livejournal.com]

Well, fuck! That was me. Sorry for posting a nonny mouse.